You remember that feeling. The feeling of standing in line for a roller coaster with your friends. You inch closer to the front of the line, you know, where they break you up and decide whether you’ll be at the back, the middle or ::cue scary music:: DUH DUH DUH, the very front car?
Then out of the corner of your eye you spot the chicken exit. Every logical cell in your brain tells you that being shot to the ground at a speed which makes your stomach churn your lunch is probably not the best idea. But your friends aren’t flinching. You don’t want to be the only loser who decided not to ride. So you do it anyway. Against your better judgment. And then you chuck your
lunch the cotton candy and corn dog you thought was a grand idea about a half hour before you decided to ride this monstrosity
Well, I’m on a roller coaster. The roller coaster of life. I know, I know. I should start a blog meme called “Lame Analogy Mondays.” I probably could have just come out and said I’m having some major ups and downs. But the above story was much more fun to write.
In all seriousness, I feel like the range of emotions in my life right now is right on par with waiting to ride a roller coaster. I’m neutral until I show up to work. I hear good news and I’m on a high. Then someone complains about something or someone and the bad mood starts. Downhill I go. Up and down. Up and down. It.never.stops.
All the while, I just want someone to stop the ride. There are never enough hours in the day. I consider myself lucky if I get to pee more than twice. My to-do list is, well, who am I kidding? There is no to-do list. Because there isn’t time to actually write one.
By the time I get home from work, I have two hours at best with my kids before I have to tuck them in and say goodnight. Then it’s my time. To blog, watch mindless television or read a book. WHATEVER. All I want to do is sleep. Everything else completely overwhelms me.
Looking at bank accounts and bills and calendars sends panic through my body. So I just don’t look at them. Until it is absolutely necessary that I look at them. I let junk mail pile up until it takes hours to sort through it. I let laundry pile up until it takes days to wash, unload, fold and hang. I let books and emails go unread. And phone calls? Forget about it. I am terrible at calling people back these days.
Some days it literally feels like my brain might explode. There is so much to do. Too much. So instead of knocking out a few things I take the chicken exit and I don’t do any of it. Because I am paralyzed. With what I’m not sure. Fear, anxiety, depression. Does it really matter? I have never been very productive.
But for the first time in my life I think I am finally tired of this roller coaster. Or maybe I’m just tired in general (did you know my 10-month-old STILL does not sleep through the night? Please send a night nurse!).
Even now, as I write this, I have about a million other things I need to be doing. But my blog stats look like a roller coaster too. Up one day, down the next. So I figured I better write something before I chuck my lunch again.
Get me off of this ride!
p.s. which way to the funnel cakes?